22 May 2022
In 2011, Lane died from liver failure. She was 29 years old and had been married to Krista for nine years at the time of her death. In their time together, they went through hell and were fighting their way back when Lane suddenly became ill. Within five days at the hospital, Lane was gone. In the years since Lane died, her presence remained strong. If there are guardian angels protecting and supporting us, Lane is surely one. Over the last decade, she followed along as Krista fought her way out of addictions and self-destructive behaviors to find herself on the other side; the side so many addicts never see. Now, after years of struggling through grief and self-discovery, in her late 40s Krista was ready.
At the time of Lane’s death, I was living 9000 miles away in Africa, nearing the end of a relationship that left me emotionally reeling from miscarriage and infidelity. It was yet another failed relationship. Pushing 40 years old, my track record included an amicable divorce and two failed engagements. In more than 20 years of dating, I was fortunate enough to date the men I was told didn’t exist; the kind that communicated well and spoke freely about their emotions. They were kind, generous, smart, and patient no matter the chaos I brought to the relationship. They were men I respected. And yet, for reasons I argued were tied to early childhood abandonment, I could not make the relationship work more than a few years. As I got older, I grew increasingly hopeless with each failed relationship. Finally, amid the pandemic, after yet another heartbreak, a colleague’s passing comment spurred me to reconsider my possibilities. A couple months later I was dating a woman. While tumultuous, that relationship confirmed what my colleague asserted. I wasn’t looking for a man, I was looking for a woman. Now, after a lifetime of looking, at nearly 50, I was ready.
Barely six months after ending a two-year relationship and allowing myself to follow where my heart directed, Krista and I found one another. A few short months later we knew. Now, nine months after meeting, I said ‘yes’.
When we plan to commit ourselves to one another, it will be during a full moon on the 12th anniversary of Lane’s death. Her presence will loom large then as it does now. On that day, we have a date with Lane in a quiet spot surrounded by the red earth and periwinkle sky of Northern New Mexico that inspired Georgia O’Keefe. There we will meet her with emotions I’m sure we cannot predict or name. She will be there. I am sure of it. I see her meeting us in that remote spot giving her love and blessings; blessings I feel I need. From that space, Krista and I will walk to the sacred spot where, surrounded by the energy of a place we love, we will commit ourselves to one another under the great sky that houses eternity. Before we do, this is the letter I will leave for Lane.
Dear Lane.
I know Krista has long hoped I would write her a love letter. I will. But today, mine is a love letter to her through you. Loving Krista means loving you.
Your presence looms large here in this home, in this space. In the beginning of our romance, you were everywhere. In many ways, you still are. Sure, the photos have gradually moved. First from the bedroom, then to Krista’s studio. And now, your image is tucked away just out of view.
I feel your presence. I feel its love here in this place. I thought it would be intimidating. It was, and honestly, probably still is, sometimes. The love with which Krista speaks of you is pure. You are the standard even if the relationship, as all are, was less than perfect. You left an indelible mark on Krista’s soul. Together, you fought demons, even while courting them. You fought wars I’ve never known and can barely imagine.
I came here to tell you that I feel you. I feel you in the love Krista expresses. You are inseparable from who she is, from the softness and sensitivity that I see when she looks lovingly into my eyes. You went through the fire together. You suffered more than most. You loved deeply and powerfully. I know this. I see it. I hear it. I feel it. Your love fills the home she and I will soon share.
I want to thank you, Lane. Thank you for loving and protecting her all these many years. You have been her guardian. It is clear in the way she speaks of you and in all that has happened since your tragic death. I want to tell you how much I appreciate your support. I feel you around us. I feel your warm heart in Krista, and I feel you embracing me and us together.
I hope you know I feel a profound responsibility to you to care for her, love her, and bring her joy today and every day. I promise to do my best to not let you down, to protect and love her as you would want her loved and protected. And on the day of our union, I ask that you join and bless us. Your approval means more to me than any other. I hope you will continue to look over us and our life together.
With love until our souls meet in another time and plane,
Corinna
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